Thursday, September 24, 2009

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 7)

Chapter Seven


I'm sitting at a truck stop 100 miles outside Melton, Ohio, nursing my third cup of coffee and trying to shake off the road jitters...but...12:54 PM Aug 6th from web

I solved the case, claimed the rest of my money and called my mom. Not sure what to do about @sasseefrassee yet. Anyway, about that case...12:58 PM Aug 6th from web

Last night, with less than 24 hours until Mr. Vonagan returned from Singapore I decided to play the only string I had left....Mavens1:00 PM Aug 6th from web

Carl Mavens is a neighbor of Donovan's, is on the Melton PD reserve and the only suspect I had left. If it wasn't Mavens, then it was nobody1:04 PM Aug 6th from web

Knowing I was possibly stepping into danger, I strapped on my potato gun, grabbed a couple spuds and pulled my fedora down tight...1:07 PM Aug 6th from web

I was ready for war. Mavens was on duty when I got the K-9 instead of a poodle; he's a neighbor of Donovan's and member of MPD so he knew...1:12 PM Aug 6th from web

...about Donovan and Mrs. V--had to know. And he must have noticed the damage to Donovan's squad car, and noticed him bringing Mitzy home...1:13 PM Aug 6th from web

...crazy with jealousy, rage or I-don't-know-what, Mavens took the dog as retribution, I thought. And thats the problem with me and thinking1:15 PM Aug 6th from web

by the time I kick open the front door of his trailer, I am convinced Mavens is the guy...that's why I shot first and asked questions later1:17 PM Aug 6th from web

Mavens, fortunately or not, was on the toilet at the time and missed the two spuds I shot blindly into his trailer. He emerged trailing TP..1:19 PM Aug 6th from web

"What the hell is going on?" he shouted, pants around his ankles. I wanted to explain--pose my questions in a rational manner. But I didn't1:21 PM Aug 6th from web

Two of Idaho's choicest spuds to the chest and he crumpled. "Alright old man, where's the dog?" finally broke free from my clenched jaw...1:22 PM Aug 6th from web

He sputtered something about his retirement and pacemaker, btu I wasn't having any of it. "Tell me about Mitzy! I know your type--jealous...1:23 PM Aug 6th from web

that Donovan chose Mrs. Vonagan over you, you took Mitzy to extract your revenge, didn't you!"1:25 PM Aug 6th from web

It wasn't a question, actually, and it wasn't possible for him to speak with my boot on his face, but I wanted answers, dammit.1:26 PM Aug 6th from web

"The dog Mavens, where's the black poodle you swiped from Officer Donovan's basement?" I grabbed him by the collar, dragged him to his feet.1:27 PM Aug 6th from web

"I swear, I don't know what you're talking about!" he lied. I grabbed him by his exposed short hairs and he sang like a birdie...1:29 PM Aug 6th from web

"Ok, ok, I do love Mark...but he's like a son to me, that's all!" It was hard to understand him through the sobbing; i strained my ears...1:31 PM Aug 6th from web

"The dog, Mavens? What about the dog," I asked, my hand full of curly black pubes, pulling just a little bit further away from his privates.1:33 PM Aug 6th from web

"Iyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!1:34 PM Aug 6th from web

That was all I could hear. Lucky for me @mswiftsmom taught me to read lips. Mavens said he did love Mark, since Donovan was his niece's kid1:36 PM Aug 6th from web

he raised Donovan ever since she died in 1997; he knew about Donovan and Mrs. V, didn't approve, but protested in silence. My grip loosened.1:39 PM Aug 6th from web

Is anyone else having problems with Twitter today? This thing is taking forever. I started this update about 3 hours ago. Damn my luck...1:43 PM Aug 6th from web

Anyway, gotta go take a leak. I'll have to finish my story after a bit. Just keep thinking, "Matt's got him by the short hairs." Cause i did1:44 PM Aug 6th from web

Line for the head was a mile long Desperate to pee after all that coffee, i waited. Several guys came out of the john, each had a giant dick2:42 PM Aug 6th from web

erson banner around their necks. whoever that is, i have no idea.2:43 PM Aug 6th from web

Getting back to my story: So there I was, Maven's manhood in the palm of my hand, his breath coming in ragged gasps...crap-that sounds gay2:45 PM Aug 6th from web

RT @sasseefrassee @MSwiftPI you have another stalker you know (@Matts1Luv) ***you know I know this already. We were prepared for this...2:53 PM Aug 6th from web

Rt @sasseefrassee @MSwiftPI you have another stalker you know (@Matts1Luv) ***that's why we use Twitter. That's we have The Rules; No pics2:54 PM Aug 6th from web

RT @sasseefrassee @MSwiftPI you have another stalker you know (@Matts1Luv) ***no personal data (that can be helped: MOM!!!)2:55 PM Aug 6th from web

RT @sasseefrassee @MSwiftPI you have another stalker you know (@Matts1Luv) ***and trust no one!!! especially @mswiftsmom!!!2:57 PM Aug 6th from web

@sasseefrassee I'm afraid I did. There's a right and a wrong time to be holding another man's cajones in your hands. I thought this was it3:12 PM Aug 6th from web in reply to sasseefrassee

But, I digress. getting back to my story-I'm holding Maven's package like is the last quarter-pounder on earth and he's whining like a bitch3:13 PM Aug 6th from web

how he loved Donovan like a son, and only got involved when he saw me tailing after the damn dog; "I was the one who let the K-9 get ya...3:22 PM Aug 6th from web

...although he's so old he took hours before he noticed you weren't me and went for you. Bastard old dog..."3:24 PM Aug 6th from web

But Maven swore on his niece's grave he had nothing to do with the dog disappearing."The last I seen it, that old K-9 was sniffin' its hind"3:26 PM Aug 6th from web

I had a thought. But I needed the old man. Unfortunately, he had messed himself and I wasn't about to bring his dirty in the sanitary truck3:33 PM Aug 6th from web

It was easy to drag his frail old body outside and strap it to the hood, but I didn't expect the crowd. I was in a trailer park after all...3:35 PM Aug 6th from web

Then I saw it, in the crowd,a small child. Big brown eyes, a slender child, holding a small puppy. Part Police Canine--pt Poodle. Germoodle3:37 PM Aug 6th from web

I swapped the kid a 5 gallon bucket of strawberry/banana ice cream for the whole litter, plus mom. Seems she wandered off to have the kids..3:39 PM Aug 6th from web

craziest thing. she nesting right under the neighbor's trailer the whole time. I cut the old man free and rolled him to the curb. "Thanks."3:42 PM Aug 6th from web

I took the dogs back to Mrs. V. The bitch was pleased to see her master. Mr. V had returned home. I played it like I was from the vet.3:43 PM Aug 6th from web

Ended up selling my entire ice cream supply to the Vonagans. Made a cool $70k right there. I thought about buying a new vehicle....3:44 PM Aug 6th from web

I assured the Vonagans Mitzy would be fine and advised them that all "vet services" were rendered "confidential" and winked at Mr.s V3:45 PM Aug 6th from web

So pleased was I at the ending of this case, I did indeed buy myself something new. Something flashy & full of verve: new feather for my hat3:47 PM Aug 6th from web

then I packed up my crap and headed west. to this dump. To put down my thoughts. To answer fan mail...of which I have none. Just 1 stalker3:48 PM Aug 6th from web

Hrrrrmmm.3:49 PM Aug 6th from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 6)

Chapter Six




Eureka! I stop at the Melton Public Library, got a book on hair analysis; turns out the hairs I pulled from Donovan's squad car are....6:46 AM Aug 2nd from web

...poodle! Black hairs with a smattering of blood traces. Seems our boy Donovan has some explaining to do...6:47 AM Aug 2nd from web

I'm grabbing my trench coat and fedora and heading over to his place to pay him a visit. This time (unlike most times) I have evidence...6:48 AM Aug 2nd from web

@UnitedWayWells A fedora is a hat. I don't leave home without mine. It's brown. It belonged to my Uncle Joe. I've had it for years. Really.6:52 AM Aug 2nd from web in reply to UnitedWayWells

I just finished my route. Had an inspiration for a new flavor--"Real Rocks-Rocky Road" made w/ Terramin Clay; give 10% to Haitian poor...4:33 PM Aug 2nd from web

just an idea. I drove through another trailer park about 25 miles south of town. Once they made cars-now they produce stray dogs; economy=(4:34 PM Aug 2nd from web

I paid a visit to Officer Donovan earlier to day, but he was at the Conservation Club. Sharpening his guns no doubt...or knives or stuff...4:36 PM Aug 2nd from web

Instead I cruised around looking to sell some ice cream. I need to find some good neighborhoods, stocked with rich fat kids on low-cal diets4:37 PM Aug 2nd from web

Once I get to the motel, change clothes, I'm heading over to Donovan's tent to see what he has to say about the hairs I have on my dresser..4:39 PM Aug 2nd from web

My hairs-my hairs! The damn maid threw away my hairs! I called the desk to complain; they offered me the dumpster to search through discards5:14 PM Aug 2nd from web

I was up to my eyeballs in the stinking dumpster. tomorrow is trash day so it was full. Turns out, they hadn't thrown out that bag after all5:15 PM Aug 2nd from web

Desk clerk handed me the bag apologetically as I was sitting in the morning's rubbish. Now I really need a shower. and the microscope.5:16 PM Aug 2nd from web

no time to help @mswiftsmom have you looked for the plug/ you probably unplugged it when you plugged in your computer5:18 PM Aug 2nd from web

I hate to admit it, but Donovan is cleared. I paid him a visit this morning at the Melton Doughnut Shop. He said "let's step outside"1:07 PM Aug 4th from web

i expected a flurry of baton strikes and at least one Tasering...but instead I sat in his squad car as he cried like a baby...1:08 PM Aug 4th from web

"I would never do anything to hurt my Sweetie" he blubbered. "She is such a woman-a great woman; a big heart and I love her."1:09 PM Aug 4th from web

I told him I found hairs on his squad car i had identified as belonging to a canine...a black canine. Curly with traces of coloring...1:10 PM Aug 4th from web

He broke down again. "It was all a terrible mistake. I swear it! I swear!" he was sobbing like a giant with a splinter in his toe...1:11 PM Aug 4th from web

Donovan explained he had spent the night with Mrs. V, I begged him to spare me the details..."please."1:12 PM Aug 4th from web

He went on to say he got a midnight call to duty and hurried to his squad car. Not looking where he was going he threw the car in reverse...1:12 PM Aug 4th from web

...and backed right over Mitzy. "It made a sickening squishing sound," he said.1:13 PM Aug 4th from web

"I didn't even have time to check its pulse. I just chucked it into the backseat and headed to the scene."1:13 PM Aug 4th from web

"What about your K-9 unit?" i asked. He said it was in the kennel at the time. Anyway, he checked Mitzy later and she had a broken leg...1:14 PM Aug 4th from web

"Why didn't you tell Mrs. V?" I asked.1:14 PM Aug 4th from web

"Penelope would have been furious, Mr. Swift. She might have left me and I know I could never live without her," he said.1:21 PM Aug 4th from web

"So what did you do with the dog? And where is she now," I asked.1:22 PM Aug 4th from web

His bawling abated and his eyes opened wide. "I didn't do anything to her! I swear it! I brought her home until she was better..."1:29 PM Aug 4th from web

"I thought I'd keep her home, let Penelope think she was just lost, then i could find her and be the big hero for my Lovey-Dovey..."1:29 PM Aug 4th from web

Lovey-Dovey? I kept my mouth firmly shut else the puke escape it...1:34 PM Aug 4th from web

"So where is she now?" I asked, my mind firmly on the dog...the furry, black one.1:35 PM Aug 4th from web

"I don't know," he said. "I woke up and she was gone" Then the tears started again. For a brawny police sergeant, Donovan is a real cry-baby1:36 PM Aug 4th from web

He swore on his G.I. Joe collection that was all there was to it. Scaring me off his trail was a last ditch effort to keep himself out of it1:37 PM Aug 4th from web

Donovan started talking about his childhood and how he could never get that Queen song, "Fat-Bottomed Girls" out of his head...1:39 PM Aug 4th from web

When he started reaching into his wallet for pictures of Mrs. V in a nightie I excused myself from his squad car. He was still driving...1:40 PM Aug 4th from web

I rolled to a crumpled heap at the foot of a tall oak and lay for a while until I could clear my head. Then i retrieved my hat & sunglasses1:41 PM Aug 4th from web

and headed back to my room with a slight limp and a headache the size of Vancouver...if not Donovan, then who? and why?1:41 PM Aug 4th from web

I woke up this morning thinking I had the whole thing done. But I'm heading back to bed with more questions than answers..and bruises.1:42 PM Aug 4th from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 5)

Chapter Five



My night at the animal shelter taught me two very important things: 1. NEVER walk around an animal shelter in the dark, with nice shoes...12:03 PM Jul 27th from web

2. Next time, bring an oxygen tank and re-breather. They have all new smells inside that place.12:04 PM Jul 27th from web

I learned Carl Mavens was on duty when i was looking for a poodle. A nice woman was at the counter- he was in back and he signed out the K-912:05 PM Jul 27th from web

Mavens, as it happens, is 67, a neighbor of Donovan and a reserve officer at MPD. Time to pay him a visit...12:06 PM Jul 27th from web

I went down to the county courthouse today and dug around their files;divorce decrees, marriage licenses, property taxes,bankruptcies, etc4:29 PM Jul 29th from web

when I got back to the "no-tell" the desk clerk had a message for me from Mrs. V. She invited me over for lunch. just who i wanted to see4:30 PM Jul 29th from web

Being a freelance private investigator is a tough job. It's dirty work with few rewards so I wasn't about to turn down a free lunch. Too bad4:33 PM Jul 29th from web

Mrs. V met me at the front door wearing a colorful hat decorated with the plumage of some rare South American bird, a bib and little else...4:34 PM Jul 29th from web

"I do hope you like crabs, Mr. Swift." she drawled, like a real classy southern lady; A really drunk and nasty one.4:35 PM Jul 29th from web

"I had crabs once, but fortunately the doctor gave me some salve and the little buggers went away," I said. I stepped inside;kept my coat on4:36 PM Jul 29th from web

She sat me down at a long table covered with a cheap plastic table cloth and a pile of stone crabs. "Fresh from Maryland," she said4:54 PM Jul 29th from web

"I know all about you and Donovan" I said. she paused only a moment then grabbed her little hammer and started cracking crabs.4:55 PM Jul 29th from web

Crab meat and icky gray goo squirted everywhere. I pulled my hat down a bit and wrapped my coat a little tighter around me...4:55 PM Jul 29th from web

"And what do you know, Mr. Swift?" she said. She tried to seem confident, but there was fear in her eyes. And bits of crab meat.4:56 PM Jul 29th from web

She wiped her face with a linen napkin as I explained.4:57 PM Jul 29th from web

"I know you and he have been banging boots like teenagers every time Mr. V is out town." This time I was the one sounding confident.4:57 PM Jul 29th from web

She paused her smashing for a moment. She leaned her heaving busom across the table and batted her eye lashes. "Surely you understand..5:01 PM Jul 29th from web

" a woman such as myself has a rather large appetite." How could i argue with that?5:02 PM Jul 29th from web

"Mark, fills a need, if you will. A rather large hole...in my heart."5:03 PM Jul 29th from web

Not sure if it was the crab goo covering her face or the comment, but I did puke a little in my mouth; just forced it back down to my gut.5:03 PM Jul 29th from web

I explained that I knew all about his divorce and his lousy credit and wondered if he hadn't been using her for her money. My mistake.5:05 PM Jul 29th from web

"How dare you insinuate anything of the sort. Mark is a loving, caring, dear friend and he would never do such a thing!" she spat, w/ crab.5:05 PM Jul 29th from web

I wasn't convinced. I explained that I knew he was the one who trapped me in the restroom after setting me up with his K-9...5:06 PM Jul 29th from web

all she said was, "that poor, poor dog. The whole town loved that dog, you know. He saved a school bus full of children last spring..."5:07 PM Jul 29th from web

I quickly changed the subject.5:07 PM Jul 29th from web

"Well, if not Donovan then who? Who would want to hurt you? Or Mitzy?" I was grasping at straws here, but didn't want her to know it.5:10 PM Jul 29th from web

Realizing I had lost the trail she went back to smashing crabs, confidently. "That, Mr. Swift, is what I am paying to find out."5:11 PM Jul 29th from web

She offered me some crabs again, which I declined. Then she pushed another wad of bills across the table. "Surely, you can keep a secret."5:12 PM Jul 29th from web

I took the money, but felt a little dirty for it. Of course, maybe it was the crab goo that covered the front of my coat. Then I left.5:12 PM Jul 29th from web

As I walked away she called from the table-"My husband returns in a week, Mr. Swift. You'll have this solved by then, yes?" I just nodded.5:13 PM Jul 29th from web

Back at the motel I am left to wonder: If not Donovan, then who? And why? I smell like dead crabs and need a shower.5:14 PM Jul 29th from web

Oh yeah, I have a profile pic I can post; it's not me but if you look in the background you can see my old ice cream truck, before the fire.5:15 PM Jul 29th from web

@mswiftsmom yes i got the underwear. I really appreciate all the hearts on the box and the big black lettering: UNDERWEAR12:49 PM Jul 31st from web in reply to mswiftsmom

@mswiftsmom my socks are fine, ty12:49 PM Jul 31st from web in reply to mswiftsmom

@mswiftsmom please no more packages! If you really want to help, send me a hair analysis kit....just kidding...12:50 PM Jul 31st from web in reply to mswiftsmom

about those hairs...I conducted a litany of tests in my mobile lab and determined...I have no idea how to use this equipment...12:51 PM Jul 31st from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 4)

Chapter Four


While Donovan's dog slept like a baby I was able to search around his impromptu tent city; not much to show for my trouble: beer cans, beans5:36 PM Jul 23rd from web

and a very strange odor..never did figure out that smell. Picked the lock on the basement door and found something very strange...5:38 PM Jul 23rd from web

...some blankets stuffed inside a cardboard box; a couple bowls-one with water and one empty; and boxes after box of midget pornos...creepy5:39 PM Jul 23rd from web

I made my way back out of the basement and was heading back to my truck. But it was dark and I forgot about the K-9 fast asleep...5:40 PM Jul 23rd from web

I tripped right over the 200 lb behemoth and he didn't move a muscle. In fact, he was quite, quite still. Like a rock-that doesn't breathe..5:41 PM Jul 23rd from web

Maybe it was the bottle of Nytol I mixed in the steak. Too much? I tried mouth to mouth--moved his Alpo flavored tongue aside and huffed...5:42 PM Jul 23rd from web

I tried pounding on his chest to start his heart with every five breaths...nothing. All I got for my trouble was really, really bad breath..5:42 PM Jul 23rd from web

now I'm a cop killer. Well, a K-9 killer anyway. An accidental K-9 killer.OMG!!! I saw Half-Baked--I know what's coming next!! A 6ft cell &5:44 PM Jul 23rd from web

a new best friend named Bubba! I'm too pretty for prison!!!5:48 PM Jul 23rd from web

@mswiftsmom not now ma!!! Can't you see I'm trying to avoid prison here...!5:49 PM Jul 23rd from web

@sasseefrassee of course everything is fine. What makes you think there's a problem?5:52 PM Jul 23rd from web

@sasseefrassee oh, the dog thing. Not to worry i have it all under control.5:52 PM Jul 23rd from web

OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??????5:52 PM Jul 23rd from web

I just left the dog lying right where I found him. Thought maybe Donovan wouldn't notice...5:53 PM Jul 23rd from web

went back to the truck then back to the motel and went to bed thinking the whole thing might blow over....5:54 PM Jul 23rd from web

Today the entire population of Melton turned out for a parade to honor their fallen K-9. Turns out he was kinda famous...and missed..a lot.5:55 PM Jul 23rd from web

I stayed in bed all day.The wake just finished, so i figure it's safe for me to venture outside. So far, SWAT hasn't shown interest in me...5:57 PM Jul 23rd from web

I need time to think; i have some clues; i have some evidence; i need to put it all together solve the case and get the hell out of town...6:00 PM Jul 23rd from web

@mswiftsmom no, i don't want my old room back. thanks anyway.6:02 PM Jul 23rd from web

i need to sign off here and think...and think fast. Before Mr. V gets back from overseas or Donovan figures out what happened to his dog...6:03 PM Jul 23rd from web

Just overheard the coroner talking to Donovan at the local diner-the dog died of natural causes! Not the bottle of Nytol I slipped him...7:03 AM Jul 24th from web

Unfortunately, Donovan is convinced it was foul play and has started his own investigation. If I don't solve this case soon, I'm sunk...7:03 AM Jul 24th from web

I've decided to take a couple days off and focus on the ice cream business. The whole point of this trip was to make a little money selling10:20 AM Jul 25th from web

my family's secret recipe ice cream flavors. "Fava Beans and Chianti" "Soylent Green" and to fight crime on an as needed basis.10:22 AM Jul 25th from web

It's a tough life on the road. I miss Susie, my best gal back home in Illinois. We've been together since we were kids, she wants marriage..10:23 AM Jul 25th from web

I'm content with what we got. Same old story I guess. Either way, this life of mine always seems to get in the way.10:24 AM Jul 25th from web

I have a little sister; mom and dad live in California. I had a pet turtle once when I was a kid, but he kept dying...over and over again...10:25 AM Jul 25th from web

that's when I learned you can't always trust your mother. (So said, Lou Reed)10:25 AM Jul 25th from web

My dad retired from a doughnut factory after 35 years. He doesn't say much that isn't snack related; we used to enter eating competitions...10:27 AM Jul 25th from web

but we had to quit after his second heart attack. Now we only talk occasionally--like when mom makes him get on the phone and talk to me.10:27 AM Jul 25th from web

I Tweet on an HP mini. It's Matte Black in color and slips right inside my trench coat pocket. Sprint keeps me wired worldwide...mostly.10:29 AM Jul 25th from web

Well, I'm going to head out of town for a day and let things cool down...Donovan has been by here a couple times asking me questions...10:30 AM Jul 25th from web

he's suspicious alright. Hopefully,out of sight-out of mind. I'll be back though. Mrs. V is still counting on me. And I know I'm close too..10:31 AM Jul 25th from web

I collected some hair samples from Donovan's squad car surreptitiously. Well, actually I had to do some community service anyway, so why not7:21 PM Jul 26th from web

I think I understand now what happened, but not quite why. And I'm still dodging Donovan's suspicions about his K-9. I just need a bit more7:22 PM Jul 26th from web

I need to pay a visit to the animal shelter, check it out, see what's up. Someone there intentionally gave me the vicious dog instead of the7:23 PM Jul 26th from web

poodle I needed. Who else is involved in this. How deep does this dog-napping conspiracy go? And where is Mitzy now?7:23 PM Jul 26th from web

Oh, I also got a call from my mom today. Apparently some two-bit reporter was trying to pass himself off as me.7:24 PM Jul 26th from web

Mom threatened to sue him for impersonating a law enforcement officer; i saw his pic- and he's hardly leading man material like myself...7:26 PM Jul 26th from web

@sasseefrassee is back on twitter now. Just when I thought it was safe for me here...she'll be hounding me about the wedding again soon...7:27 PM Jul 26th from web

I DO love her but I REALLY need to solve this case and move on before she convinces me to come back home. I hate it there: It's where Dad is7:29 PM Jul 26th from web

Anyway I'll take these hairs back to my truck-I keep a lab behind the freezers- & hopefully I'll prove what i need to prove. In the meantime7:30 PM Jul 26th from web

I could go for a scoop of Soylent Green ice cream in a waffle cone...helps me think. Then I'm off to animal shelter under cover of darkness7:31 PM Jul 26th from web

@sasseefrassee hi sweetie. Sorry I missed you, but I'm so busy I can hardly spare time to Twitterer at you7:32 PM Jul 26th from web in reply to sasseefrassee

@sasseefrassee thanks for sticking up for me with that loser @jerrybattiste--between you and my mom if he's smart he'll never do that again.7:34 PM Jul 26th from web in reply to sasseefrassee

huh? hang on...what was that?7:34 PM Jul 26th from web

I was taking the shortcut back to my motel-the alley behind Mrs. Vonagan's house & guess who I just saw coming out the back door?7:36 PM Jul 26th from web

Donovan was slipping out buttoning his shirt as he went and blowing a kiss over his shoulder-eww! But more importantly--what's up with that?7:37 PM Jul 26th from web

RT @EitherOrFilms: When you're finished changing, you're finished. -Benjamin Franklin (when nothing adds up, everything starts....7:38 PM Jul 26th from web

falling into place.)7:39 PM Jul 26th from web

I have to think about this...7:39 PM Jul 26th from web

@mswiftsmom sorry i can't be more like Marvin, mom. But at least i still have all my hair. And Nancy is fat, mom. Anyway, i'm working7:48 PM Jul 26th from web in reply to mswiftsmom

@mswiftsmom my Twitter account is for work, mom, not chit-chat. If you want to talk call me on the cell. BUT NOT NOW!! I'm trying to think..7:49 PM Jul 26th from web in reply to mswiftsmom

ok, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Donovan, coming out of Mrs. V's place, half naked, while she waves from the porch in a nightie...ewww...7:50 PM Jul 26th from web

I'll need to wash my eyes out with alcohol to rid myself of that image. And I better call @sasseefrassee in the morning before my mom does..7:51 PM Jul 26th from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 3)

Chapter Three



@sasseefrassee thanks for the offer, but I'm ok. I can handle this case myself. I'll call if I need help :-)8:23 PM Jul 16th from web

@mswiftsmom yes, i am wearing clean socks. yes, i am eating. no i don't need dad to come check the truck, it's fine. I just need clues...8:26 PM Jul 16th from web

it's been almost two weeks and i'm no closer to closing this case than if I'd spent the entire time in an ether coma...8:32 PM Jul 16th from web

What I know: 1. Mrs. Vonnagan's prized poodle, "Mitzy" turned up missing nearly two weeks ago...8:33 PM Jul 16th from web

2. fan of former President George Bush and rottweiler dont want me to and are willing to make me drink from urinals to prevent it...ewww.8:34 PM Jul 16th from web

3. using ice cream as a lure only attracts stinging insects, not missing dogs.8:35 PM Jul 16th from web

MPD Officer Mark Donovan (& his K-9 partner) are likely the George Bush duo. But why don't they want Mitzy found?8:39 PM Jul 16th from web

...and what is that ticking sound? seems to be coming from under my seat...hang on a second...8:40 PM Jul 16th from web

stupid old Timex wristwatch...makes a lot of noise. I thought it was broken...6:46 PM Jul 16th from web

@sasseefrassee you thought it was a bomb?! ROTFL laughing...it's just a missing dog case...stop worrying about me.6:48 PM Jul 16th from web

i'm heading back to the motel. I have to do some online research. see what I can find out about Donovan and his K-9...and Mrs. Vonnagan...!6:53 PM Jul 16th from web

speaking of Mrs. V--here she comes now...walking right up to my truck, wearing a transparent nightie...did I mention she's size XXXL? eewwww7:03 PM Jul 16th from web

hang on...7:04 PM Jul 16th from web

as I suspected, Mrs. V wanted to seduce me with her womanly wiles...fortunately she took a five gallon bucket of fudge ripple instead...7:48 PM Jul 16th from web

and left me a new clue. she said, "Mitzy was all I had Mr. Swift. Find her and I'll make it worth your time and effort. But please....7:51 PM Jul 16th from web

don't let my husband know what you're doing. He'll be back in town soon. Spent the last two weeks abroad and I don't want him to know.7:52 PM Jul 16th from web

Mitzy was a gift from him, Mr. Swift. And I'd do anything to keep him from knowing I lost her. You understand, don't you?" and I did.7:53 PM Jul 16th from web

--someone hated that dog. And I think I know who. But not why...7:54 PM Jul 16th from web

I'm heading back to the motel to order more fudge ripple online and Google "Mr. Vonnagan"...7:56 PM Jul 16th from web

Three days of research and near as I can tell Carl Vonnagan is an import/exporter who specializes in, of all things, plastic novelty toys...3:43 PM Jul 19th from web

Those little plastic dogs that smoke fake cigarettes: his best selling item. Seems to have a penchant for pretty women but didn't marry one3:45 PM Jul 19th from web

Also filthy rich, with a capital R and has deep ties to the Swedish Mafia..deadly, dangerous blondes; everyone can ski and shoot w/precision3:47 PM Jul 19th from web

Lots of info on Mr. V but nothing more on the dog. Decided to check out Officer Donovan. Unlike the Vonnagan's he lives in a trailer court..3:49 PM Jul 19th from web

well, what's left of the trailer court, anyway.His was the only one with a basement, and that's all that remained after last weekends storms3:51 PM Jul 19th from web

Donovan has been working lots of overtime so I've decided to...3:51 PM Jul 19th from web

@mswiftsmom no mom, i don't need to dad to come out and look at the truck. It's fine. really. now stop tweeting at me-i'm trying to think3:53 PM Jul 19th from web

anyway--i've decided to check out Donovan's basement tonight while he's busy with Operation Pullover. Maybe i'll get lucky...and find a clue3:55 PM Jul 19th from web

@mswiftsmom please don't send dad. really. the truck is running just fine. and don't mail any more cookies! they get here all yucky...3:56 PM Jul 19th from web

@mswiftsmom envelopes were not made for shipping chocolate chip cookies...all I got were crumbles and a nasty note from the postman3:56 PM Jul 19th from web

back to the case: what i need is a disguise. ice cream truck way too noticeable; decided to borrow a bicycle; little girl's down the street4:00 PM Jul 19th from web

be right back...hang on a second...4:00 PM Jul 19th from web

Geez- barely escaped with my life! Does everyone in this town have a rottweiler? Time for plan B; no kid can resist cookie dough ice cream..4:11 PM Jul 19th from web

unless they're allergic to ice cream...rotten brat. Failed at borrowing her bike, but I did manage to swipe her brother's pogo stick...4:15 PM Jul 19th from web

@mswiftsmom yes, i'll be certain to wear knee pads and a helmet on my stakeout. Now please go watch 60 minutes and let me work!4:16 PM Jul 19th from web

@sasseefrassee @mswiftsmom i'll be careful; no more bees or cliffs or park restrooms; it's a simple stakeout. what could possibly go wrong?4:18 PM Jul 19th from web

Problem with little girls: Big brothers who dont like strange men borrowing their pogo sticks. I'll be limping to the stakeout instead; ouch5:36 PM Jul 19th from web

While Obama yammers I have an opportunity to check out Donavan's abode...or dump, depending on how you look at it. He's living in a tent...5:12 PM Jul 22nd from web

Donovan is a red-white-and-not-so-blue Republican; while he's at the bar spitting at the t.v. screen, I can search his campsite...5:13 PM Jul 22nd from web

I mean, just because you're living in a tent doesn't mean you have live like an animal. I live in an ice cream truck--but I still bathe....5:14 PM Jul 22nd from web

occasionally, anyway. Donovan left his K-9 partner behind while he drinks.Fine. I'm going to toss his K-9 partner steak w/ crushed Nytol...5:16 PM Jul 22nd from web

nighty-nite Rover. (heh-heh!) Just a few minutes for it to take effect then I can search the stinking campsite area in peace...not pieces...5:17 PM Jul 22nd from web

and that basement. I have to get into that basement, so I'm bringing my lockpicks....hang on--sorry5:18 PM Jul 22nd from web

@mswiftsmom not now mom, I'm about to drug a dog and search a cops private residence--please don't tell anyone!!!!! I'll call you later...5:19 PM Jul 22nd from web

ok...i brought the truck back and parked a block away from Donovan's place; I just drove by and tossed the Nytol-laden steak out the window5:22 PM Jul 22nd from web

Rover gobbled it in one bite! Glad that wasn't my behind...hang on...5:22 PM Jul 22nd from web

@mswiftsmom yes--i'm wearing clean underwear. no, i'm not listening to Obama. I'm working here, ma! C'mon, I'm trying to stage a break-in..!5:23 PM Jul 22nd from web

anywaaaaaaayyyyyyy--Rover should be out like a light in a few minutes. I'm going to walk over there and check. I'll come back when I know...5:25 PM Jul 22nd from web

it took longer than expected. a lot longer. i'm eaten alive by mosquito's, but it was worth it; K-9 dropped like a sack of flour....6:47 PM Jul 22nd from web

Now all i need to do is sneak back, find some clues, and sneak back. Nobody, especially Donovan, will be the wiser. Back later...6:48 PM Jul 22nd from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 2)

Chapter Two



dogs wandered off sometime after dark. hours after the battery died. so I pushed the trck 11 miles to town. Fortunately I parked on a hill.10:56 AM Jul 7th from web

Guy at the garage offered his tow truck for free--next time it happens. Great timing. I am going to visit Mrs. Vonnagan while I wait...10:58 AM Jul 7th from web

Missing Poodle signs all over town. Every utility pole has a "have you seen me?" poster with a slobbery dog picture..cute and smelly-looking11:02 AM Jul 7th from web

Two more blocks to Mrs. Vonnagan's. The banjo player is back. I spotted him a half block behind me when he accidentally twangged a string...11:30 AM Jul 7th from web

Hard to tweet and walk but I';m managing ut ok. Hang on while I ditch my shadow..11:30 AM Jul 7th from web

smashed that damn banjo like a popsicle stick craft...then he flashed his badge: Deputy Sheriff. I'm Tweeting from the county jail...11:44 AM Jul 7th from web

I'm out. Got my net book back too. Mrs. Vonnagan paid my bail. "Please, just find Snuggles," she implored. "Mr. Swift, u r my only hope."9:40 AM Jul 8th from web

made a couple new friends in jail: 'Bubba', local farmhand sleeping off a drunk; 'Sticky', local cleptomaniac in jail for fingering chickens9:42 AM Jul 8th from web

Chicken fingerer suggested I look for the dog in the local trailer park. "thats where the real bad folks hang out. bet you'll find it there"9:42 AM Jul 8th from web

Mrs. Vonnagan handed me a wad of 20's and sent me on my way. "I know I can count on you Mr. Swift." she wiped away tears as i drove off...9:43 AM Jul 8th from web

My truck is a lot lighter without all the ice cream. But it smells like dogs and still draws swarms of bees...9:44 AM Jul 8th from web

I am at the Walter P. Williams Dog Park, just outside Melton, Ohio. Lots of dogs, all shapes and sizes, but no poodles. I'm staking it out..2:15 PM Jul 8th from web

I am using a special scented poodle decoy from "Faux Paws" a robotic dog maker from Hitachi. Thing only responds to Japanese however...2:18 PM Jul 8th from web

The instructions say to call it "InuKodomoNoKo" whatever that means...doesn't seem to react at all. just its there. panting.2:31 PM Jul 8th from web

Leash is a long electronic wire with hand control: Press for "sit" "speak" shake hands" and "poop." Won't be using the Poop button at all..2:39 PM Jul 8th from web

Lots of folks here walking their canines...sheltie, dachsund, doberman and collies are prancing around. No poodles though....2:40 PM Jul 8th from web

Here comes a great big labrador...oof!2:44 PM Jul 8th from web

just jammed its nose into my crotch at 35 mph...robo-dog just sits there. I am shouting at it with a japanese accent...but no use...2:45 PM Jul 8th from web

here comes a woman with a st. bernard...leaving a puddle of drool in its wake. disgusting. but no poodles...2:53 PM Jul 8th from web

I'm sitting beneath a tree with my robo-dog. I told him to "kazawaki" whatever that means...and he laid down.2:54 PM Jul 8th from web

I have been on stake-out at the Melton, Ohio dog park for two days. All I've got to show for it is bad breath and fleas.8:50 PM Jul 9th from web

Even the robot dog gave up, bit me and wandered into traffic. I need a new plan. Maybe one more day at the dog park. This time w/ a real dog8:51 PM Jul 9th from web

I'm headed to a motel for a flea bath. I'll stop at the city animal shelter tomorrow. see what they have in the way of "loaner dogs"...8:52 PM Jul 9th from web

This job is not as glamorous as it seemed in the brochure.8:53 PM Jul 9th from web

It's been two days since I last saw daylight. I only get signal with 1 foot in the toilet and one hand on the drain pipe. New dog not good..8:40 AM Jul 11th from web

no poodles at the pound so i went with rotweiler mix; bad idea. new dog immediately took control; chased me into park restroom. very dark 8:41 AM Jul 11th from web

surviving on crickets and fresh urinal water. for god sake some one come and get this dog!!!8:42 AM Jul 11th from web

my power source is a stripped wire from the roof mounted solar panel. keeps shorting. with 1 foot in the toilet catastrophe is very likely8:43 AM Jul 11th from web

head to Melton, ohio. dog park. look for the bright pink ice cream truck. follow the trouser fabric to the nearby restroom. watchout 4 dog!8:44 AM Jul 11th from web

wait. here comes someone..dog is backing away from them? (stupid dog) i can't hear them, must lean closer...that's my name-?8:45 AM Jul 11th from web

some guy with a george bush mask. "Mr. Swift? Best if you be moving on if you know what's good for you!" he shouted. then he took the dog &8:51 AM Jul 11th from web

left without saying anything else. dog seemed to like him. damn dog. but what was that all about? how did he know who i was? ... i'm hungry8:52 AM Jul 11th from web

heading back to the motel to think. and back to mrs. vonnagan. something else is going on here besides a missing poodle. where're my keys???8:55 AM Jul 11th from web

ok. guess i'm walking back to town. i'll get the spare key from my suitcase then come back 4 the truck. time to think if nothing else..dogs!9:00 AM Jul 11th from web

with exasperation i am shutting down for now. long walk back to The Melton Motel....9:02 AM Jul 11th from web

There was a message waiting for me at the front desk when I finally made it back to the motel. "Mr. Swift. Come right away. Mrs. V-" Hhhhmmm2:32 PM Jul 11th from web

whatever it is will have to wait. i need the spare key and some sleep...and some antiseptic for the dog bites; and mouthwash2:33 PM Jul 11th from web

Called Mrs.Vonnagan she pleaded for me to "come over and provide comfort" until i find her dog & she increased my usual fee from $25 to $50K7:17 PM Jul 11th from web

This case keeps getting stranger and stranger. I aksed about the threat I'd received and the dog that seemed to be trained to hate me.7:18 PM Jul 11th from web

She claimed ignorance about the whole incident. "'Fifi' is only special to me, Mr. Swift. My only child...since my own have abandoned me."7:22 PM Jul 11th from web

she claimed ignorance but I smelled a rat. Told her I'd take the extra dough she offered & find the dog & find who trained the rottweiler...7:24 PM Jul 11th from web

...as soon as I had a good nights sleep and got some more ice cream for the truck. I walked right through a 'hood full of overweight kids...7:25 PM Jul 11th from web

Spent the past few days helping clean up from a bad storm that swept through southern Ohio on Saturday. Trailer park debris everywhere...9:35 PM Jul 14th from web

I really need sleep, but there's still a dog to find. And my ice cream is finally re-frozen, so I'm heading out to drum up some business...9:37 PM Jul 14th from web

Do you think it's too late to play the "ice cream man" music? I'll give it a try. Maybe some late-night customers will put a few dollars in9:39 PM Jul 14th from web

my otherwise empty pocket. The cash Mrs. Vonnagan gave me is all gone and her check won't clear until I return her dog. and i'm running...9:44 PM Jul 14th from web

out of leads. The dog park was a bust; local trailer parks are completely obliterated; even the local animal shelter is gone (bastards)9:45 PM Jul 14th from web

Cruising the streets of downtown Melton, just me and my truck. Trying to clear my head. Where could that dog be????????9:46 PM Jul 14th from web

I'm just going to keep driving and thinking and playing my music (it helps me think) maybe i'll sell some ice cream...9:48 PM Jul 14th from web

@jerrybattiste some of us are never off duty you know. Crime doesn't sleep- why should I? (btw--seen any 'found dog' reports?)9:49 PM Jul 14th from web in reply to jerrybattiste

Just got a $125 citation for violating noise ordinance in downtown Melton. Ice cream truck music past curfew--bad idea. Good news: a clue!10:14 PM Jul 14th from web

Melton PD Officer Mark Donovan has a voice that is strangely familiar...like 'George Bush', only not muffled. Wonder what his connection is?10:16 PM Jul 14th from web

Oh, and his K-9 is a familiar looking rottweiler....I definitely need to sleep on this...if only I could sleep. Time for the ether...10:17 PM Jul 14th from web

MSwift P.I. and the Case of the Missing Dog (Ch. 1)

Chapter One


I thought I might sell more ice cream on Independence Day weekend at Revolutionary Days in downtown Melton, OH. Instead...11:51 AM Jul 5th from web

a Ben Franklin re-enactor peed on my truck and George Washington's horse shat on my new shoes.Good news: Dame wants me to find her poodle...11:53 AM Jul 5th from web

Do dogs like ice cream? I have a good supply left over from yesterday. Maybe I'll leave a trail of it around town, see what happens...?11:54 AM Jul 5th from web

didn't realize parade from yesterday had been postponed: marching band rounding the corner I just coated in strawberry ripple. still no dog12:16 PM Jul 5th from web

trumpet player just rectally impaled by sliding flute player ouch! bassoon player still sliding, still sliding, still sliding- great balance12:17 PM Jul 5th from web

i'm moving the truck a little further out of town until the furor is over...still spreading ice cream as I go. only a few strays so far12:18 PM Jul 5th from web

still no sign of Mrs. Vonnagan's dog. I have successfully covered most of the roads in and around Melton with assorted flavors of ice cream1:41 PM Jul 5th from web

I left a trail of ice cream down the one dead end road I could find; Quarry Road, ends at a sheer drop into rock filled pit: still no poodle1:42 PM Jul 5th from web

Watching old episodes of Morton Downey Jr. on VHS http://www.mortondowneyjrho... keeping one eye open for the poodle. nothing so far...1:45 PM Jul 5th from web

@jerrybattiste thanks for the video. gives me something to watch while I look for the poodle; no dog so far and no customers. just, buzzing?1:47 PM Jul 5th from web

That buzzing sound I heard wasn't the motor overheating-it was bees. they followed my miles long trail of ice cream;congregated in my truck!7:33 PM Jul 5th from web

every stinging winged flying insect converged on my truck-inside, outside, they were all over me. I tried to get the ignition started but...7:33 PM Jul 5th from web

it was too late. I had them in my underwear at that point; my fedora made a poor defense against a million tiny sword-tipped bugs...7:34 PM Jul 5th from web

I grabbed my overcoat, wrapped it around my head and ran for the quarry. no time to check for water at the bottom; i just jumped....7:35 PM Jul 5th from web

once I regained consciousness i signalled for help. sheriff's department is sending someone with rappelling gear to haul me up....7:36 PM Jul 5th from web

good news: at least I have a signal down here. Bad news: Still no sign of Mrs. Vonnagan's prized poodle. just lots and lots of bees...still7:38 PM Jul 5th from web

Just woke up and checked myself out of Melton General Hospital; my entire body is covered with stings, i wasted all my ice cream and...9:36 AM Jul 6th from web

still no sign of Mrs. Vonnagan's prize poodle. Local police chief aske dme when i'd be "moving on." Said I had job to do, & not before then9:39 AM Jul 6th from web

so he wrote me a citation for illegal parking on a dead-end street and littering; also one for harming bees employed by a local keeper...9:39 AM Jul 6th from web

$450 in citations, thousands of stings, no ice cream left to sell and still no dog. Going to hobble downtown for breakfast, look for clues9:41 AM Jul 6th from web

Who eats grits? things taste like butter and salt coated weevils. Did get tip on a loose dog, black, matted fur, stinks to high heaven...11:45 AM Jul 6th from web

walking back to my truck, currently parked at police HQ; something odd about the way the guy across the street is watching me...11:46 AM Jul 6th from web

Impound lot charged for another $75 for "clean-up." So my truck is a little sticky...and covered with bees. what's the big deal?12:07 PM Jul 6th from web

strange man is still following me. Bearded, pot belly, overalls, carrying a banjo and smiling at me toothlessly; is this Ohio or Kentucky?12:09 PM Jul 6th from web

I drive off the lot, a crowd of children starts to gather,only i'm out of ice cream. This might be worse than the bees. rolling up windows..12:11 PM Jul 6th from web

and still no sign of that dog...12:11 PM Jul 6th from web

crowd of children has moved on. hardly any eggs thrown at me at all...but I still spy that banjo player tagging along behind me on a moped12:50 PM Jul 6th from web

I'm heading across town. I heard at the diner there's an old dog park where the strays tend to congregate in late afternoon. checking it out12:50 PM Jul 6th from web

At the dog park now. bought a few dozen cans of dog chow, dumped them in a pile at the dog park. Now I'll just wait and see what happens...2:33 PM Jul 6th from web

dogs! damn dogs everywhere! packs of them--growling, slobbering, now fighting over the pile of food i left out...worse than the bees...!!3:23 PM Jul 6th from web

ice cream truck siren blasting a path, but more dogs on their way-I can see them from a mile away; packs of sweating, stinking mongrels...3:24 PM Jul 6th from web

hang on..3:24 PM Jul 6th from web

i thi
3:24 PM Jul 6th from web

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3:24 PM Jul 6th from web

door...forgot to lock the door...3:25 PM Jul 6th from web

keys/ where are my keys???????????????3:25 PM Jul 6th from web

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doors closed...found my keys--they're hanging from lock, outside my truck...i'll just wait it out. and bandage my shins in the meantime...3:26 PM Jul 6th from web

so hot inside this truck; battery running low. don't dare run a/c.dogs are just sitting in the shade..watching me sweat..licking their chops7:44 PM Jul 6th from web

i can wait too, bitches. i'll just keep watching YouTube videos and Twittering until the battery ru7:45 PM Jul 6th from web