Sunday, December 13, 2009

Interlude: Part I

@Matts1Luv i've been around the block a few times sister; dames like you are a dime a dozen. 1:06 PM Aug 10th from web in reply to Matts1Luv

Spent the last few nights parked at this rest stop, planning my next move. I was taking a leak when I saw Destiny use its mighty hand to... 1:09 PM Aug 10th from web

leave me this message on the bathroom wall: "Help-I'm being held captive at a potato farm! Come to Twin Falls, Idaho and rescue me -Ivy." 1:12 PM Aug 10th from web

I thought potatoes came from France, with their penchant for "Fries" but apparently some grow in this place called Idaho. Regardless... 1:14 PM Aug 10th from web

I used that bathroom earlier; same stall at 8:30am, no writing. By noon, presto. Why Ivy would be writing in the men's room was irrelevant 1:18 PM Aug 10th from web

I have a few of the waitresses pegged by name.They call me "The Sexist" and I call them all "Dames." Fun & games until someone gets a lawyer 1:21 PM Aug 10th from web

It's almost time for their shift to be done. I'll catch them when they get off. See if they saw anything suspicious. Meanwhile... 1:22 PM Aug 10th from web

I'm going to scan the rest stop for trucks with Idaho plates... 1:23 PM Aug 10th from web

I have to go back and finish peeing first. I cut it off in mid-stream as I was reading...ouch. 1:25 PM Aug 10th from web

@jerrybattiste can't really talk right now. I'm stuck in the back of a hog hauler headed toward Texas...are you near a phone by any chance? 8:14 PM Aug 12th from web in reply to jerrybattiste

Two weeks in the back of a hog hauler. I still smell awful. 4:10 PM Aug 21st from web

Its hard to explain how these things happen to me. Or why. I start out meaning well then quickly take a wrong turn somewhere...like the hogs 4:11 PM Aug 21st from web

I took a quick pee then hit the truck lot for a quick search of Idaho license plates. My plan was to be back at the diner for shift change 4:13 PM Aug 21st from web

The first several trucks were all Texas plates. Then I spied it-an 18-wheeler hauling milk; plates said "Idaho" BINGO! 4:16 PM Aug 21st from web

I decided I needed to get a closer look, so I crept up slowly to the cab. It appeared empty so I pulled myself up and tried the handle... 4:16 PM Aug 21st from web

It turned, but it also set off an alarm that made my ears ring and teeth rattle; Tried to let go and jump from the truck but my coat caught 4:18 PM Aug 21st from web

With one sleeve snagged on the exhaust pipe I tried to pull my head out and wound up double-knotted inside my trench coat. 4:18 PM Aug 21st from web

Then it hit me. Not an idea, really. Sounded more like a frying pan. 4:19 PM Aug 21st from web

I opened my eyes a day and a half later, face down in dung with a lump on my head the size of a softball. I was southbound on a hog hauler. 4:20 PM Aug 21st from web

@Matts1Luv @MSwiftPI Matt darling do you even know @DumpedbyMatt ??? I can't believe you would walk out on your child like that. (crazy ppl) 4:21 PM Aug 21st from web

Anyway, the truck didn't stop for another day. The driver was a Mexican man who spoke no English. He did smile a lot and nod perfectly well. 4:22 PM Aug 21st from web

Only after I screamed and jumped up and down like a madman did he notice me. But then mistook my begging for release for a ride to Mexico... 4:26 PM Aug 21st from web

Not sure how I made it through customs. Must have been the heat, humidity and intense odor associated with a truck full of dirty swine & me. 4:32 PM Aug 21st from web

@Matts1Luv as if I have any money...but wait...I digress. Back to my story... 4:33 PM Aug 21st from web in reply to Matts1Luv

The trucker finally let me out in Guanajuato, Mexico. Also known as "Frog City." Nice place to visit, when you aren't covered in pig dung... 4:38 PM Aug 21st from web

Pig dung makes every introduction...strained. Best I could do for a ride back to the truck stop was in the back of a chicken hauler.. 4:50 PM Aug 21st from web

Chicken poop, swine dung...after a certain point it's all the same. It was late last night before we were back at the truck stop. 4:51 PM Aug 21st from web

I slid from beneath a mound of prostrate chickens to the un-shaking asphalt parking lot, thanked the driver and shambled off to the restroom 4:59 PM Aug 21st from web

An experience during my last case taught me to survive for days in a bathroom. It still took me several flushes to get my hair clean again. 5:05 PM Aug 21st from web

The battery had died on my netbook so I headed next for my truck to change clothes...only it wasn't there. 5:20 PM Aug 21st from web

I double checked the spot, the lot and the general vicinity but there was no sign of my truck. I was beside myself with grief... 5:21 PM Aug 21st from web

I was sobbing in the middle of the lot, dressed only in my skivvies, with a stinking pile of clothes at my side. 5:22 PM Aug 21st from web

I looked so pitiful the local bum handed me a dollar in quarters as he shuffled by with his shopping cart full of cans... 5:22 PM Aug 21st from web

Then the night janitor came out to get me. He brought me to the shed out back and let me compose myself. I explained about the truck... 5:32 PM Aug 21st from web

sorry. I had to get a light...anyway, I told the guy where I had left my truck. He said "no overnight parking" so the truck likely got towed 5:38 PM Aug 21st from web

sometime last week they pulled it away to the yard. He wasn't exactly sure but showed me the signs with the name, phone number and address 5:38 PM Aug 21st from web

I had to charge my battery before I could sign back on. Whoever clubbed me took my wallet, ID; everything I had in my pockets. 5:43 PM Aug 21st from web

The janitor took pity on me..he promised not to call the cops if I wanted to eat something out of the dumpster. The burger pieces were good. 5:44 PM Aug 21st from web

@jerrybattiste I'm back, what did you have planned? 5:46 PM Aug 21st from web in reply to jerrybattiste

@jerrybattiste or should I say, what are you proposing? and you better make it good. I'm not in the mood for ridiculous. 5:47 PM Aug 21st from web in reply to jerrybattiste

I slept in the bushes behind the truck stop. A small stand of trees between the parking lot and the corn field. Better than hogs or chickens 5:50 PM Aug 21st from web

I woke up this morning with a sore back and my underpants full of crickets. Yoga for the back and the crickets made an early morning snack. 5:56 PM Aug 21st from web

It might have seemed strange: Me, pulling crickets from my underpants while doing yoga, half naked in the parking lot of a truck stop... 5:58 PM Aug 21st from web

...but nobody said a word. Even the truckers pretended they didn't notice. 5:58 PM Aug 21st from web

I unplugged the pop machine behind the truck stop and plugged in my charger while I could watch it. It took about 8 hours, but it charged. 6:03 PM Aug 21st from web

I called the lot to check on my truck. The guy said he needed proof of ownership and ID; plus $200 fine and $2,000 in storage fees. 6:06 PM Aug 21st from web

I played the only card I had left: I called @mswiftsmom 6:21 PM Aug 21st from web

Since it's Friday there's nothing we can do until Monday, but she said she'd get my brother MARVIN to come down and get the truck for me... 6:23 PM Aug 21st from web

I can't stand my brother. He'll be sure to rub my nose in this one.... 6:27 PM Aug 21st from web

Mom did buy me a debit card over the phone from clerk at the truck stop. I bought some overalls, sunglasses and a ball cap that reads "Hott" 6:37 PM Aug 21st from web

I'll spend the weekend at a motel down the road, next exit. I need some decent rest. If only to prepare for Marvin....and call Suzie. 6:43 PM Aug 21st from web

It cost me nearly everything I made on my last job to replace the inventory of ice cream I lost in my truck while it sat at the tow yard. 4:23 PM Sep 5th from web

and it turns out I got a slight concussion from whatever they used to crasck my skull a couple weeks back, so I haven't been able to work. 4:23 PM Sep 5th from web

My brother came by for a week to help; his wife ate all the food in my house & I walked in on him in the bathroom wearing womens underwear 4:25 PM Sep 5th from web

@UnitedWayWells the last I heard he was destitute, staying in a flea bag mid-western apartment, hoping for a break of good luck... 4:27 PM Sep 5th from web in reply to UnitedWayWells

@IcecreaManiac what the hell is your problem? 4:27 PM Sep 5th from web in reply to IcecreaManiac

@Mar_sha no fighting with my brother. He packed up his high heels and his wife and they split. Left me here with no food in the kitchen... 4:28 PM Sep 5th from web in reply to Mar_sha

RT @jacksbileduct No fear. 4:32 PM Sep 5th from web

I need to try and stay positive, keep thinking positive; be positive and maybe go to the grocery store...definitely go to the grocery store 4:33 PM Sep 5th from web

There's only so much one man can take: Susie's on the rampage, dad's in the hospital, and someone set my truck on fire-with my new inventory 11:21 AM Sep 13th from web

The smell of burned waffle cones still permeates my clothes; may never get the stains out of the pavement; it's baked-in ice cream goodness 11:23 AM Sep 13th from web

I'm letting @jerrybattiste reprint my Tweets on some kind of Brog--whatever that is. Find it here: http://mswiftpi.blogspot.com/ 10:20 PM Sep 24th from web

sitting here, nursing a whiskey in this dingy bar I can't help wondering...is that a man or a woman at the other end of the bar????? 5:29 PM Oct 6th from web

fact is, I've had better years...this being one of the worser of them... 5:30 PM Oct 6th from web

Insurance company wouldn't cover the cost of my truck--said fire was "suspicious in nature"--I mean, no shit, right? SOMEONE SET IT ON FIRE! 5:33 PM Oct 6th from web

so, no truck meant no income. I could have gone home, sure. but after a week with my crazy bro. and his wife-and repeated calls from mom... 5:33 PM Oct 6th from web

...I moved into the local shelter and took up a new hobby: heavy drinking...been here ever since...(hic!) 5:34 PM Oct 6th from web
wait, wait, wait...here comes that woman...she's sashaying by me like a beauty queen from 1947...unshaven face and all...still not sure... 5:36 PM Oct 6th from web

she winked at me as she sauntered by. but there ain't enuf whiskey in Vegas or Vodka in Russia to make me interested... 5:37 PM Oct 6th from web

I tried calling the FBI about the kidnap victim from a few weeks back...they called me back yesterday: needless to say it was a joke... 5:40 PM Oct 6th from web

at least that's what they said. Or maybe it was me they were calling a joke. not sure there's a difference...suzie hasn't called me in weeks 5:40 PM Oct 6th from web

there goes that woman again...came out of the women's room--that's a plus. pulling her stretch pants from the crack of her ass was not... 5:48 PM Oct 6th from web

i need another whiskey...at least they have free wi-fi here...cause I only have enuf dough for whiskey...and free peanuts 5:49 PM Oct 6th from web

i'm watching the evening news on the little tv...talking about Dave Letterman...guy isn't famous enuf? just had to have sex w/ an intern... 5:51 PM Oct 6th from web

makes me miss suzie...she stopped answering my calls...hasn't tweeted in months...i think it's the distance between us...and my Vision Quest 5:53 PM Oct 6th from web

here comes that woman again...with an unlit cigarette and a dirty look in her eye...or maybe it's just dirt... 5:56 PM Oct 6th from web

she slid into the stool next to me with her unlit cigarette.."gotta light?" she coughed at me...I turned my head to avoid the spray.... 6:27 PM Oct 6th from web

I handed over my Bic with reluctance. "There's something on your face" I offered..reaching to brush the half eaten pretzel from her face... 6:28 PM Oct 6th from web

she laughed like a sailor..."you here with anyone?" she asked. Funny that--she and I and the bar tender are the only ones in here... 6:29 PM Oct 6th from web

"maybe" I said...then went back to surfing YouTube videos...Conan O'Brien and the Mayor of Newark are still feuding...hilarious stuff... 6:30 PM Oct 6th from web

she took a big hit of her cigarette and let it out like Frenchie on Grease...with a similar ridiculous effect..."me too" she said... 6:31 PM Oct 6th from web

she scratched at her beard a couple times..eyeing me like a hyena eyes a dying zebra..and I feel like a zebra wading into the Khwai River... 6:33 PM Oct 6th from web

with a close shave and a paper bag..she wouldn't be half bad... 6:34 PM Oct 6th from web

shake it off Swift! what am I thinking...???????? I need out of this place... 6:34 PM Oct 6th from web

"why don't we get out of here? go someplace quiet?" she asked... 6:34 PM Oct 6th from web

i'm still thinking...hang on...did I mention suzie hasn't called me in weeks?... 6:36 PM Oct 6th from web

...still thinking.... 6:36 PM Oct 6th from web

what is it about smokey bars and strange women that makes me question my sanity? oh, yeah...the whiskey. There's my problem...Hey bartender! 6:39 PM Oct 6th from web

.....she's still sitting there...smoking a Virginia Slim, chewing a piece of Wrigley's and eyeing me with malicious intent.."c'mon baby.." 6:41 PM Oct 6th from web

my tongue feels like its covered in six inch thick shag carpet...I woke up an hour ago smelling like peanuts and wearing women's underwear.. 6:54 PM Oct 7th from web

fortunately the bearded lady was no where to be found...I need to find a new dive bar to hang out in...or maybe a park bench... 6:55 PM Oct 7th from web

scrounging up some loose change to head to the package liquor store; cotton-mouth is killing me; I don't know if unemployment is a good idea 7:00 PM Oct 7th from web

i've had more free time lately than ever before...and have therefore consumed more alcohol than ever before...cause and effect? 7:01 PM Oct 7th from web

what i really need is a case I can sink my teeth into...something juicy, salacious--some downright dirty deed done dirt cheap.... 7:01 PM Oct 7th from web

ok...i've decided to put some pants on. I can't stand the way people in the library are staring at me...i'll be back. 7:04 PM Oct 7th from web

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